This was where I used to have posted details of my rape which had left me compensated for Military Sexual Trauma through the Department of Veterans’ Affairs. Due to various projects that I am working on I have removed details account of my assault–for now. Here is some of the work that I have been doing since the rape:

Background:

In 2006 while at Coast Guard Station Burlington, VT I was beaten and raped by a shipmate on a hiking trip. After reporting the rape (CGIS took full control of the case and did not allow civilian authorities to get involved), providing evidence and even a confession from my perpetrator he was set free while I lost my career. I was discharged under the approval of Captain S.K (now retired) on the basis of a condition that was confirmed by many doctors including the Department of Veterans’ Affairs as being a misdiagnoses for the sole purpose of “wanting to sweep the alleged rape under the rug,” a practice I later learned is being used extensively in the Coast Guard.

After being transferred to Integrated Support Command Boston I was not satisfied with the way my rape case was handled. I was the victim, why was I the one fighting to keep my career? There was enough evidence to prosecute this rapist; why was my shipmates/CGIS/CG legal not doing enough to protect my female shipmates from also falling victim to this man? The four military branches under the Department of Defense have taken many initiatives to help reduce sexual assault within the ranks, why was the Coast Guard lagging behind? Something was not right.

After doing extensive research on rape in the military I realized that what happened to me was very common; our shipmates will rape one in three of their female shipmates. At the time there was nowhere for these women to turn to outside of the military and the VA. Aside from Tailhook nobody was really talking about rape in the military, nobody really wanted to admit what is really going on. I understood the consequences that could result from speaking out but the pros outnumbered the cons. My shipmates should not have to experience what I experienced. I decided to be that voice and give this cause the attention that it deserved and needed.

From my barrack room at ISC Boston I started the Military Rape Crisis Center. During the early stages of my organization–when it was still a one-woman show, I have assisted hundreds of men and women who been assaulted. It was therapeutic in its own way. I will go to work, get harassed and bullied for being a victim and then spend hours on the phone with others on Active Duty that were simultaneously experiencing something very similar–eerily similar.

Post-Coast Guard:

Currently the Military Rape Crisis Center is the largest NGO working to end rape in the military. Since 2006, my team of now 12 has assisted over 4200 survivors and their friends and families, provided training to over 300 personnel and helped re-introduce a bill to the Congress (H.R. 840: Military Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Act). We have been invited to congressional hearings, offer support groups for survivors at three locations (including one in New London which comprise of mostly cadets) and have a 24 hours hotline.

How is the Coast Guard reacting? I have received threats and hate mail from my former shipmates at Burlington (friends of my perpetrator) and several at ISC Boston (my wrongdoers and their friends for speaking out against them) but aside from that I have received much positive feedback. These are just a few of the thousands that I came across.

A woman who is Active Duty Coast Guard came forward when she saw my flier posted at neighborhood coffee shop bulletin board. Out of fear of losing her career she has not reported her rape and continues to work with her shipmate/rapist. I work on the model of self empowerment and support whatever she decides to do. We do have a safety plan put in place which hopefully she’ll never need. Her Congressperson is aware of the situation as well and will step forward when the survivor gives the okay. We also found her a therapist that is working with her pro-bono–and it won’t be in her Coast Guard medical records.

Outside a small boat station a member of my street team and I was distributing fliers about Military Sexual Trauma. We got the attention of a Chief who listened to my story with such compassion. He ended up inviting us inside the station and we stayed for lunch. We were treated like VIPs and at first I was a bit skeptical until he told me his own story; his wife used to be in the Coast Guard she reported a rape and was immediately discharged. This was in the early 90s and was sadden to see the same thing going on today. She filed for compensation at the VA and was denied.

The Coast Guard has misdiagnosed her for a medical condition that is non- compensable (the same medical condition that they claimed that I had) Policy within the VA has changed since she filed in the 90s. In 2000 an 18 years veteran of the Air Force came in with the diagnoses of “adjustment disorder” which the VA found very strange…what took them 18 years to realize that she was having trouble adjusting to the military!? They also realized that women are coming in at an epidemic rate with “adjustment disorder” or “personality disorder” all who claimed to have been raped. Since then they re-evaluate every single veteran (not just rape victims) that comes through the doors of the VA, are required to ask every single veteran if they have Military Sexual Trauma and have special clinics at all VA hospitals specifically for Military Sexual Trauma. It is such a huge problem for the VA caused by the failed leadership of people within the military that promotes objectifying women that contribute to a rape culture (like my Chief at Burlington who hosted parties at Hooters) With our help the chief’s wife was finally able to get her compensation and is rated 50% for Military Sexual Trauma.

A cadet was afraid to come forward out of fear of being kicked out of the Academy but was in dire need of mental health care. He was so afraid of the stigma associated with rape, especially male on male rape that he won’t even tell me his real name afraid that it’ll be leaked to the Academy (even though we do have complete confidentiality) He was suffering with severe anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia and anger issues all which are classic symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was able to find him confidential, pro-bono care an hour away from the Academy (he was afraid that if he attended therapy closer to the Academy that someone might see him going in) From his email updates he sounds like he is doing much better now and I know that he’ll be a very successful Coast Guard officer. He has the compassion that is needed to be a true leader.

One day when I was waiting for my coffee at Starbucks a woman was staring at me: “I know you from somewhere did you attend so and so school” I said no and she kept on trying to figure out where she knew me from. Finally she said so loud that we got the attention of everyone that was waiting for their coffee: “you are the girl that was handing out fliers at Copley square. You were raped in the Coast Guard.” Then she said quieter: “I was raped in the Army during the Gulf War. Thank you for all that you do.”

Since my own rape my entire life has been revolved around helping victims of sexual violence. First thing that I did when I got out was become a certified rape counselor and then I went back to college and am on the path of graduating summa cum laude spring 2010 with undergrad majors of Women Studies, Sociology and a minor in Criminal Justice and secured a spot at my first choice grad school starting in the fall 2010 semester (joint grad school major and will graduate with an MSW and MPH) The further I educate myself the better I can help my shipmates and comrades. Furthermore, academia ameliorates my healing.

Since my discharge I have also traveled throughout Eastern Europe and to Africa to help survivors of sex trafficking, domestic violence and sexual violence. Hearing these women stories and then thinking of what happened to me I realized that the patriarchal system of those countries is not much different than the Coast Guard. The military and the entire world have a long way to go to eliminate violence against women.

The trauma from the rape and post-rape affects me a lot today. Immediately after the rape the perpetrator told me that if I told anyone that he will ‘kill me’ and I did tell people; I told my command, I reported it to CGIS. I told anyone that walks into a Border Bookstore and picks up one of two books that mentioned my rape (three books if you count one of the book that been translated in Japanese and has been a best seller in Japan.) Due to the way the legal system works in this country I am not able to get any protection from him unless he threatens me or harms me again. Because he has an extremely common name and I don’t even know which city or even state that he resides in. A search on whitepages.com and other websites comes up with many with the same name–also since there are multiple ways that he spelled his first name and goes by a shorten version of his name (i.e. Joseph, Joe, Joey) the search is even more difficult. There is not much that can be done to protect me or at least give me the ease of mind that I won’t run into him in the street. I continue to be triggered whenever I see a man that resembles him. I found out that a man with the same exact name and in my perpetrator state of where he was originally from has been arrested and charged in 2008 with the rape of a child but once again, it is a common name and won’t know for sure if it is the same man. Sometimes I get physically sick thinking about my rape and the way that ISC Boston/District 1 handled my case. Since the rape I have been suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, migraines, insomnia and nightmares of the rape on the rare times that I manage to fall asleep. All of these symptoms have been confirmed by a team of doctors as being the direct result of my Coast Guard service. I also have some physical injuries that occurred from the rape which I probably will need surgery for. The VA has been my lifesaver in a way.

Afterthought:

Everyone process the trauma of rape differently, speaking out about what happened to me is just my way. Often I am asked if I ‘regret enlisting’. What happened to me in the Coast Guard was horrible, it should not have happened to me and it should not be happening to the over 2700 service members that report rape on any given year. I enlisted naively, thinking that men and women were equal in the military, fell for the “brothers/sisters-in-arms comradeship” and the thought of possibly being raped by a comrade never crossed my mind. Recruiters don’t tell you that by enlisting you are doubling your chances of being sexually assaulted nor have I ever felt the need to research those statistics until it happened to me. I do not regret enlisting. I am proud of my military service but am embarrassed by the actions of certain of my shipmates.

I am living with the psychological effects caused by the man that raped me, my Chief in Burlington and my Command in Boston. The emotions that I am experiencing are normal. I was at the lowest point in my life when all I ever wanted was to have served my country. I enlisted with the desire to eventually attend OCS and to be a career officer but am accepting the different path that God chose for me. This is not the time to let pride to get in the way. I am honest in talking about my healing with the hope that others come forward and understand that what they are feeling is normal and what happened to them is not their fault. I have been there, at times I am still there…I understand. Even though nobody ever fully recovers from rape we can learn to deal with the triggers, the nightmares and stop feeling that somehow we were at fault…we were not. It is a lifetime work in process.

There are many future projects for the upcoming year. 2010 would be an exciting year and I hope to give more survivors the voice and an opportunity to be heard and changes to be made.
For now please visit my website: http://www.stopmilitaryrape.org

If you are a survivor of Military Sexual Trauma and in need of FREE medical or mental healthcare, legal assistance, financial assistance or just need to talk to someone that “gets it” I can be reached by email at: pb@stopmilitaryrape.org

Semper Paratus,

PB
Coast Guard Veteran, rape survivor
Military Rape Crisis Center, Executive Director